Some people have ‘worst enemies’. People that make their stomach churn, they hate them! Maybe they did something to you in the past, maybe the spread a horrible rumor about you, for any number of reason this person makes your life miserable and you would frankly be better off if they lived in a different county if not dead. Extreme? Suck it.

Anyway, i had people i didn’t like, and those same people in turn didn’t like me. Mostly my fault because i just have a thing about people, either i’ll like you or i wont. Or you’ll do something like have a sense of humor and i’ll be okay with you. I’ve never had an enemy though, someone i felt was just always out to put me the fuck down. Be my bad luck. Someone I’m always battling with.

Sitting here it dawned on me i do, indeed, have an enemy. My own mind. I’m always battling it from the pessimistic nonsense it likes to feed me. I could be out having a good time and for no real reason at all i see my mind across the room and my stomach will get that upset sorta churn. Ruin the night. Makes you want to leave the party early. My mind feeds me perspectives on things that probably aren’t real. I make them issues to dwell on. To feed my minds hunger to put me down.

It is my worst enemy.

So here i am 26, practically about to start from scratch. Moving back into my parents so i can get better on my feet. Suppose to try and look into schooling either JC or a trade school. Its going to be a hard transition for me. Lets face it, this house i’ve been in since August, majority of it spent totally alone, freezing and now sweating. It isnt worth it.

I told myself i’d give myself a year and if things just didn’t pan out for me, well then… We all know the answer for that.

—sarah

I think back to when i was 20yo and i was such a social fuckin butterfly, always a goodtime. Thinking back i never had moments where id start to close down and just want to get away. I miss that side of me, i dont know when this change occured and i became almost like a ‘stick in the mud’ Its the lonliness, the lonliness i choose to have because even if im out with people doing this and that, its only a matter of time i begin to get ansy and feel like i need to leave. Its not like im leaving to go to do something else. I leave because in an instant my goodtimes can just sour over nothing.

Wasn’t who i use to be. I’ve severed 4 major friends(seaneddileahjessica) Those people saw me at my party animal best, spotaneous, funny, take off on roadtips, etc… Now i couldn’t even call one of them up to shoot the shit because i chose to end the friendships. Drugs mostly for two of them, the other two were just too intense and flakey (lesbian couple) Those guys were my close circle of ppl until awhile ago when people just change, things we use to do are just no longer an interest to all of us. I miss them. I miss being surrounded by them. On the other hand they all brought issues and drama to my life that i knew i just couldn’t tolerate anymore.

Okay, or i’d settle for 8. My point is that every year i tend to look forward to my birthday, who doesn’t. It seems though that these past two years as it gets down to the week and then days before, i start to feel blah about it.

When you’re younger the attention you get is different than the kind you get now for your birthday. Now its all about “facebook wall posts”, not wanting to ask for a real present because you’re in your mid 20s, having to plan your own shindig rather than a parent just taking care of the details.

Last Birthday i saw Wicked in Fresno with my mom. It was great, good show, we had dinner beforehand, but i was gone the ENTIRE day, just my mom and I. By the time i got home it was 11pm and nothing could be done by then and by the time the weekend had come(this was a weds) I was over wanting to do anything further.

This year I’m attempting a joint birthday party with my friend Ralphie. I was stoked about all of this until Monday came and i just felt meh. I was in a horrible mood yesterday, its spilling onto today and I’m putting myself in this grouchy funk the wrong time to be doing so. Too much pressure/stress from work lately has got me on edge badly. At this point I’m just hoping to wake up in a good mood on Friday.

sighhhh…to be turning 6 would be better than feeling stressed and agitated and turning 26.

My weekend consisted of nothing. I decided to throw myself into the series Ally Mcbeal, its amazing. I love the writing, the drama, Jane Krakowski, that other guy…set in a court room! Why wasn’t i aware of the stuff on tv in 97?

Anyway, i was phoneless this weekend as well, i gave it to my ex to take to LA with her so she would have Internet and gps and her tiny kyocera was not going to cut it. A part of me enjoyed being cut off from things. Its odd having eachothers phones, I think we both trust the other not to look at anything because why would we want to do that to ourselves. Not that she would even find anything on my phone its just that what if feeling. The one time someone decides to sext me or something and she has my phone and then thinks this goes on often. I know if that happened to her phone i’d be pissed. I am an Aries though…

My cats were being super needy this weekend and bitchy. I feel bad for them, i cant do anything to help. I feel bad because when i move next month (oh right im moving out of my place soon) I wont be able to keep them both. I’ll have to split them. Im hoping my ex takes the other one because i mean they were ‘our’ cats, not to be all lesbian couply shit but ya know they were. If not i guess i’ll find the best shelter. I wonder if they have cat farms, anyone know?

Blehhh okay that is all tumblr for one post. Some of you may have seen i’ve tried anal and my response to you is…whats your point, i cant try anal? Fin.

Anonymous asked: What's the freakist sexual experiment you've tried?

This question totally made me blush for some reason. Im nervous to say what ive done and when i’ve done these things. Here it goes though:

 Done to me- anal
Thing i did to someone-i have this night stick, like police batton, i had an ex who liked it and idk why but she wanted to use it durring our sexual times and yeah she took it pretty good :D

Tried something new in the bedroom with the gal i love. It was enjoyable and that is all im saying about that. :)

acharmingnothing asked: What is your favorite kind of fruit juice?

Umm….grape..ohhh or wait no…. orange….wait…apple. No, grape. Always on the rocks, whatever it is.

Drinking and I have certainly formed a different sort of relationship this year. I am doing it more often, cutting loose. Some say too loose. I’ve managed to make out with a handful of poeple, have sex with one person, make a jackass out of myself multiple times and pick little fights with people. Why? Who knows…

Last night i actually hadn’t gone to overboard, with the recent events i did the other night, I really wanted to go out, drink, but not black out and go down that route i have been. So i went out with a good group, we walked there and back, came home to drink alil more (not me them) well my friend calls me up and wants to come over, SURE i say! Well she shows up 15mins later with my other friend, they are PLASTERED.

Everyones having fun, and then my drunk best friend that wasn’t invited starts in with her same ol sam ol talk about how i prefer her gf to her, and i always take the gf’s side. So i got sick of finally hearing that so i wraped my arms around here and got in her face and said “c’mon you wanna talk, talk. Why do you think i hate you? whats wrong dude” for 7mins i did this! I even wiped the bitches tears off her face. She never says shit and barely looks me in the eyes. I let go and shove her into my counter and say FINE have it your way. I then proceed to walk outside to cool down where i see the friend that was actually invited over. She begins to start in on me how i take the wrong side and so and so is my friend first. So i start ripping into her how she does the same thing. Now i cant get peace anywhere, so i go back inside and sit down. Well its pushing 3am at this point, my bed is full, i have a friend on the couch and im already forced to sleep on the floor. The two drunks look around like where are we sleeping, Lets keep partying etc… I tell them that i didn’t plan on them staying the night, I’ll gladly take them home(borrow my friends car, because im sober now) they starting running their mouth about how im a bitch etc..etc.. So i get real loud and tell them they can both get the fuck out because im done being nice. No one has seen ever seen me so amped up. Idunno what this ‘no fucks’ attitude is doing to me. I cant say i fully hate it though.

Anonymous asked: How excited are you for your birthday this year?

Im actually trying to be really high energy and positive about it. Last year i spent it with my mom allll day, didn’t do anything with my friends. This year i want to drink be surrounded by everyone that makes my heart happy and just not puke early in the night or often.

Although i could go without turning 26 :/